Resting on the Heels of a Sort of Solitude

I feel a bit strange right now, like I am resting on the heels of a sort of solitude that rocks in the harsh wind but doesn't tumble. Every time I think I don't want to be alone, something happens--I'll meet someone--then regardless of how things play out, regardless of who runs from who, or who pushes who away, as soon as they are gone I heave this enormous sigh of relief, like "Oh thank GOD, it's still just me!" as my mind plays out the attendant disaster scenarios that our relationship surely would have come to, weaving together our personalities so that our dominant flaws clash to ruin, ultimately burning down all we would have shakily built. At this point I sigh again and think about all the great freedoms of being alone, nestle quietly into myself and feel myself settle into a state of relative calm.


I dare say this is the beginning of what I hope to be a lasting commitment phobia. I recognize the strangeness of this hope, and hope for it nevertheless.

Because look at me. I haven't written a blog in five months! I can't even stay committed to this, and thats sad b/c I do like my blog...but I had my reasons for hiding out a bit. Regardless, here I am back again, still in Korea, but returning home sooner than expected as it turns out.

Yup, it's true, after months of exploring Korean bath houses--butt naked and stared at--poking around Korean caves filled with Celine Dion music, Egyptian artifacts, and tumbling acrobats (don't ask), and riding my sick ass scooter around the city and surrounding towns, I have come to the decision that yes, it is in fact time to go back home for a while. So by the end of June I will be back state side, and this chapter of my Korean adventure will come to a close. So weird.

So I figure I'll go home for around 2 months--taking some time out to hit up an island, or maybe Mexico for a good two weeks in between the family and friends binge--then back home briefly to say bye, then back Korea in late August to start another year, this time teaching with public school.

Though unable to commit to a lover these days I find myself strangely able to commit to one thing: my writing. I say strangely because in the past that has always been the one thing I've been the least committed to, all while throwing myself on the arms of anyone who'd have me. It seems the times they are a-changing, because the more I write, the more loathsome the presence of another distraction laden person, seems to me.

I curl a smile and dream up characters absurd, and emotionally evocative. Now to summon the courage to flesh them out. I chide myself: you have time, and have patience. So I will use my time, and summon my patience. Because teaching next year will be minimal--22 hours a week max, usually with less than that. And in the time between I'll be there, surrounded by the dancing sounds of the Korean language--oblivious--typing out the worlds within that only I can conceptualize.

I'm rarely happy, but this seems like some sort of bliss to me.

So to this, I will commit.